Why did my life turn out this way? My classmates got to be happy. They got to grow up with nice things. They never had to worry about doing their homework before the sun went down since the power was off. They didnt have to worry about ACTUALLY freezing to death in the winter because they ran out of firewood. They never had to listen to their mom cry because she was worried how we would eat that month. They never had to worry about people noticing that they had worn an item of clothing for the second time that week because they didnt have anything else to wear. They never had to lie and say their plumbing was messed up when it was actually turned off.
Whats even worse is that I know there are people out there in worse situations than me. Im pathetic.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Radio Email 1
I live in Roxboro, North Carolina. I have an average poor family. We had plenty of situations when we were out of food stamps, so we had bologna and treet meat (couldn't afford the spam) for the day and you couldn't get both if you got an extra loaf of bread. My mother didn't finish high school and my father (who had cancer and died of a brain injury) never finished elemtary school and couldnt read or write. My sisters and I were always told that our education will lead to great things. When I graduated high school my family didnt have the money to buy college applications let alone send me to a four year university. The best and cheapest choice was to do two years at a community college and transfer once I could afford to.
I qualified for the Pell grant and I was doing very well my first two years at the local community college and even got a job as a peer tutor mentor (I got a reward for it last year) which counted as class credit but I couldn't make more than $400 a month. Our town had a few new factories that were hiring, and a lot of small businesses had started at this time. It was all fine for a while, but one day the largest factory in the town shut down. It sent a huge ripple effect of downturn through this town.
A few weeks later another factory closed and a dozen more small business got shut down. The price of gas sky rocketed and the number of people you saw using a food stamps card (the one with the American flag as the cover) at the grocery store was going up. The economy had started to die and with it my way of life. My mom lost her job since there weren't people coming in to shop, my step dad had to change jobs to save money on the three dollar gas, my sister lost her job since people didn't have money to waste on photos, and the majority of the students I tutored we're unemployed factory workers who hadn't used a textbook in over 30 years. When I point out talked about it to my friends, who WERE republican, they said I was just whining because I was poor anyway. The very same people who told me that Bush should be elected again to follow up in Iraq and didnt vote for Obama because he was black (Im black and since this is the south the white people don't care about open racism that much =/ )
I was spending every paycheck on a bill and hardly making ends meet. I didn't have a lot of money left after each pay check so I had to resort to credit cards. I got one with a $500 limit, and even though I never spent over $475, I always had a half dozen hidden fees that seemed to take me about a dollar over the limit and cost $40 to repay. Then I got sick and went to the hospital TWICE for 5 or 6 hours. That pretty much bankrupted me. I was charged almost $11,000 for x-rays and tests.
What was left of the the local jobs that I was interested in dried up so I (and hundreds of other) college students we're told to go back to school and learn about new forms of technology, medical professions, and business. So I did. We all did.
Now we are being told that they are not only gutting Pell grant funds but they are making it even harder to receive the grant. The only option will be to get a bank loan which will be almost impossible to pay off.
So here I sit, 24 years old, living at home with my mom, stepdad, step sister (22), little sister (21) and her two kids, no job, no cash. My older sister got lucky and married a well off chemist/scientist for some company. Now that almost all of our bills are behind the only things ill have soon is my debt and a hell of a lot of credit hours that cant be put to use here. Wed have to sell all of our things just to move to another place.
A lot of the pople I know are in the same situation, and they are starting to come around and see what is happening and why. I think a lot of the college students around the country are as well. We worked so hard in k-12 then college to do what was best for ourselves and our families. Now everyone wants us to be smart, but not from a public education and only from a private college. They want us to have good careers as long as we aren't paid through the government or want a pension. We can be great patriotic soldiers in their military, as long as we don't get hurt and expect some sort of disability check. Don't forget we need to die really fast once we get a serious illness so we all don't have hospital bills like mine.
What the older generation fails to realize is that the young voters that got Obama elected, voted to get CHANGE elected. Im sure some people voted because he was black. Im sure some voted just because he was a democrat. But we all voted because we believed in his message. The young people of this country are no longer going to be tools for these politicians. No matter which side they are on.
WE WANT THE CHANGE AND OPPORTUNITY WE ALL WORKED FOR.
I qualified for the Pell grant and I was doing very well my first two years at the local community college and even got a job as a peer tutor mentor (I got a reward for it last year) which counted as class credit but I couldn't make more than $400 a month. Our town had a few new factories that were hiring, and a lot of small businesses had started at this time. It was all fine for a while, but one day the largest factory in the town shut down. It sent a huge ripple effect of downturn through this town.
A few weeks later another factory closed and a dozen more small business got shut down. The price of gas sky rocketed and the number of people you saw using a food stamps card (the one with the American flag as the cover) at the grocery store was going up. The economy had started to die and with it my way of life. My mom lost her job since there weren't people coming in to shop, my step dad had to change jobs to save money on the three dollar gas, my sister lost her job since people didn't have money to waste on photos, and the majority of the students I tutored we're unemployed factory workers who hadn't used a textbook in over 30 years. When I point out talked about it to my friends, who WERE republican, they said I was just whining because I was poor anyway. The very same people who told me that Bush should be elected again to follow up in Iraq and didnt vote for Obama because he was black (Im black and since this is the south the white people don't care about open racism that much =/ )
I was spending every paycheck on a bill and hardly making ends meet. I didn't have a lot of money left after each pay check so I had to resort to credit cards. I got one with a $500 limit, and even though I never spent over $475, I always had a half dozen hidden fees that seemed to take me about a dollar over the limit and cost $40 to repay. Then I got sick and went to the hospital TWICE for 5 or 6 hours. That pretty much bankrupted me. I was charged almost $11,000 for x-rays and tests.
What was left of the the local jobs that I was interested in dried up so I (and hundreds of other) college students we're told to go back to school and learn about new forms of technology, medical professions, and business. So I did. We all did.
Now we are being told that they are not only gutting Pell grant funds but they are making it even harder to receive the grant. The only option will be to get a bank loan which will be almost impossible to pay off.
So here I sit, 24 years old, living at home with my mom, stepdad, step sister (22), little sister (21) and her two kids, no job, no cash. My older sister got lucky and married a well off chemist/scientist for some company. Now that almost all of our bills are behind the only things ill have soon is my debt and a hell of a lot of credit hours that cant be put to use here. Wed have to sell all of our things just to move to another place.
A lot of the pople I know are in the same situation, and they are starting to come around and see what is happening and why. I think a lot of the college students around the country are as well. We worked so hard in k-12 then college to do what was best for ourselves and our families. Now everyone wants us to be smart, but not from a public education and only from a private college. They want us to have good careers as long as we aren't paid through the government or want a pension. We can be great patriotic soldiers in their military, as long as we don't get hurt and expect some sort of disability check. Don't forget we need to die really fast once we get a serious illness so we all don't have hospital bills like mine.
What the older generation fails to realize is that the young voters that got Obama elected, voted to get CHANGE elected. Im sure some people voted because he was black. Im sure some voted just because he was a democrat. But we all voted because we believed in his message. The young people of this country are no longer going to be tools for these politicians. No matter which side they are on.
WE WANT THE CHANGE AND OPPORTUNITY WE ALL WORKED FOR.
What Do I Do?
Ok Here's a run down of whats going on.
Im 24, have no job, no cash, a few credits short of a degree, live with folks, no relationships, cant work at my old job since I cant go to college. I can work across town maybe, but even if there was a bus or a taxi here I couldnt afford to use one. don't even know how ill pay for the next internet bill. So Id have to walk over 8 miles to and from the "hiring part of town". The jobs in this place only pay minimum wage and you wont get 40 hours. You might get 25 if you are lucky.
What do I do? What does society want me to do? The people ont he televisionc all me lazy and stupid for not owning a business, and the people around me say I wasted my chances (event hough I dont recal receiveing any).
If I can get enough people to donate Ill just leave this place and vanish from this kind of life. I dont care where it leads just as long as Im not being a burden to anyone. I do want to work... I just dont want to be here and I cant live this way. Hell if push comes to shove...
Im 24, have no job, no cash, a few credits short of a degree, live with folks, no relationships, cant work at my old job since I cant go to college. I can work across town maybe, but even if there was a bus or a taxi here I couldnt afford to use one. don't even know how ill pay for the next internet bill. So Id have to walk over 8 miles to and from the "hiring part of town". The jobs in this place only pay minimum wage and you wont get 40 hours. You might get 25 if you are lucky.
What do I do? What does society want me to do? The people ont he televisionc all me lazy and stupid for not owning a business, and the people around me say I wasted my chances (event hough I dont recal receiveing any).
If I can get enough people to donate Ill just leave this place and vanish from this kind of life. I dont care where it leads just as long as Im not being a burden to anyone. I do want to work... I just dont want to be here and I cant live this way. Hell if push comes to shove...
No Escape
Now Im being blamed for all the financial issues of this house. Even though his daughter doesn't want to work and says she doesnt have to work if she doesnt want to because its her daddy's house, and my little sister only works about 8 hours a week if shes lucky to get the hours as a cashier. He wants my mom to work but he wants her to be a nurse like his friends wives. He somehow doesn't understand that you just cant walk into a random hospital and start changing sheets and taking blood of the patients because you would get arrested. So he wants her to work (she works as a tutor at the college), get an education to be a nurse (even though she has accounting degrees but doesnt want to be an accountant...). since Im a boy I need to be a construction worker... I would probably break a arm trying to use a jack hammer =|
I wish I could just leave. But I have nothing to start with. I have nothing. I even pawned the majority of the things I own (which isnt much) just to pay for the internet bill which is in my name. I got bad credit as well since I got sick for two days which somehow cost almost $10,000.00 for 4 hours in a hospital. Naturally they couldn't even find out what was wrong with me.
I don't know what to do anymore. All the people who we're always demanding that I do what they wanted have given up and left me to pick up the pieces of my life. I did every single thing they wanted. I never got to try to follow my dreams, and now when Im at the age that I should be living my own life I dont even have the ability to. Im always hearing about how my other classmates are doing with their families and careers.
I DONT WANT TO LIVE HERE.
I DO WANT TO WORK.
I DO WANT TO HAVE BETTER THAN THIS.
but I dont want to be a burden to my family.
If I could get the money Id leave. Id leave this very moment. I dont have much to pack since my only real posessions are my computer, tv, a cracked ipod (still works), and a few changes of clothes which still fit.
I wish I could just leave. But I have nothing to start with. I have nothing. I even pawned the majority of the things I own (which isnt much) just to pay for the internet bill which is in my name. I got bad credit as well since I got sick for two days which somehow cost almost $10,000.00 for 4 hours in a hospital. Naturally they couldn't even find out what was wrong with me.
I don't know what to do anymore. All the people who we're always demanding that I do what they wanted have given up and left me to pick up the pieces of my life. I did every single thing they wanted. I never got to try to follow my dreams, and now when Im at the age that I should be living my own life I dont even have the ability to. Im always hearing about how my other classmates are doing with their families and careers.
I DONT WANT TO LIVE HERE.
I DO WANT TO WORK.
I DO WANT TO HAVE BETTER THAN THIS.
but I dont want to be a burden to my family.
If I could get the money Id leave. Id leave this very moment. I dont have much to pack since my only real posessions are my computer, tv, a cracked ipod (still works), and a few changes of clothes which still fit.
My History
Today I woke up one day and realize that every single thing we've done was a mistake. I've always hated this life. I never seemed to fit into it no matter how hard I wanted to.
Growing up all I heard was "Oh you are so smart and behaved. You should be a college professor or have your own company." Bullshit. My family was always poor and uneducated. Everyone tossed all their hopes and dreams onto me (even though I wasn't even old enough to understand what having a career actually entailed) to lead the family out of the dark ages so to speak.
I was never popular at school. Everyday I did my best to get along with everyone, and my grades we're usually average or better, but nothing worked for me. I always ended up by myself on the bus. When It was time for group assignments I was always the one paired up with the teacher or the one forced into a group of three. My only company during lunch was whatever book I happened to be reading and the silence of my mind. After school I went home to my family's poor small house.
The things that happened in that house during my 13 years of living there... destroyed me emotionally. We lived in the middle of no where so there weren't any kids to play with my but two sisters and the occasional cousin. There was never anyone for me to talk to.
As I got older of course things got worse. By the end of middle school I was in a sever depression. I never talked to anyone about it or showed it on my face but Im sure people knew. I even heard a teacher say "That boy walks like the burden of the worlds are on his shoulders." In a way they were for me. While my class mates lives seemed to improve mine got worse. Things got so bad that I eventually stopped eating lunch at school and I just sat in the library every day, at the same tame, at the same time, for four years. I could have just said how I felt then but there wasn't anyone around to tell my feelings to.
Naturally with all these issues financially and socially my anxiety, depression, and esteem were all shattered. But I was the chosen son that was the family's only hope of a decent way of life. I always I wanted to be an artist or a video game designer. That didnt fit in with everyone's vision of me though. They all decided I should be a business expert and a math teacher. The students got to pick some of their classes in high school, but when I said I wanted to take classes in geography and french, they made me take history and spanish (my two worst subjects) even though they wanted us to take things we we're interested in. I even said I didnt want to stay in this state, and I was even open to living in another country, but They decided it would be easier if I went to Durham, otherwise known as "The big city" to us poor lil common folk.But after graduation none of that was to be.
When I was about 17 or 18 I decided I wanted to make a change. I somehow found the courage to tell everyone I was going to go find a job. It shouldn't have been such a big deal since we didn't live in the woods anymore and we could get around town with the car. Even though I was so nervous I thought I would throw up I managed to talk to about 20 places looking for work. I never got to work at any of those places. When my mom took us (the whole family decided to go...) back home I was told that I would have to walk over 8 miles each way to work since she didnt feel she needed to take me to work. everyone kept saying to get a car, but not only did I not know how to drive, I didnt even have more than $10 at any given time.
I had wanted to go to a four year college but my family didn't even have the money for me to buy a appilcation. They sure worn't going to borrow any seeing as I wasn't even guaranteed to get in. I considered joining the air force, but of course the war on terror (ha) was going on and my mother wasnt going to let me get involved in anything like that.
So there I was a 20 year old two year college student, without any money, hardly any clothes, miles from anything, and no one to tell my probelms to. I should ahve graduated then but no my college councellor thought it would look better on a resume if I got both of my degrees at the same time. What a damn mistake that was. I should have learned after the time she blamed me for not knowing who my major advisor was (Im sorry but how can I tell the secretary at the desk that shes telling me to go to the wrong advisor and that she needs to click the tab to see a new major with a new advisor.
So I was taking classes for two majors which wasnt so bad. I event got a job as a tutor at the college. Things seemed to be improving for me. However; She didnt tell me that she had secretly put me in a third major and that was the reason why I was taking so many useless english and sociology courses.
Now im 24, I should be done with all my degrees this year, but instead Im at home. Since I had taken so many courses from my 2nd and 3rd major I went over the credit hours and no logner qualify to get my Pell grant for school. I have to get a degree before I qualify... even though I cant get a degree without the Pell.
My family life is much worse now. The rent is late, the water has been off since... the 19, and the satellite (even though I told everyone I couldn't afford it and didn't buy or pay for any of the bills) is off. I have to stay with my mom and step dad but Im not the only one here. so is his 23 year old daughter and my 21 year old sister with her two kids. I dont want to be here. I hate this life.
Growing up all I heard was "Oh you are so smart and behaved. You should be a college professor or have your own company." Bullshit. My family was always poor and uneducated. Everyone tossed all their hopes and dreams onto me (even though I wasn't even old enough to understand what having a career actually entailed) to lead the family out of the dark ages so to speak.
I was never popular at school. Everyday I did my best to get along with everyone, and my grades we're usually average or better, but nothing worked for me. I always ended up by myself on the bus. When It was time for group assignments I was always the one paired up with the teacher or the one forced into a group of three. My only company during lunch was whatever book I happened to be reading and the silence of my mind. After school I went home to my family's poor small house.
The things that happened in that house during my 13 years of living there... destroyed me emotionally. We lived in the middle of no where so there weren't any kids to play with my but two sisters and the occasional cousin. There was never anyone for me to talk to.
As I got older of course things got worse. By the end of middle school I was in a sever depression. I never talked to anyone about it or showed it on my face but Im sure people knew. I even heard a teacher say "That boy walks like the burden of the worlds are on his shoulders." In a way they were for me. While my class mates lives seemed to improve mine got worse. Things got so bad that I eventually stopped eating lunch at school and I just sat in the library every day, at the same tame, at the same time, for four years. I could have just said how I felt then but there wasn't anyone around to tell my feelings to.
Naturally with all these issues financially and socially my anxiety, depression, and esteem were all shattered. But I was the chosen son that was the family's only hope of a decent way of life. I always I wanted to be an artist or a video game designer. That didnt fit in with everyone's vision of me though. They all decided I should be a business expert and a math teacher. The students got to pick some of their classes in high school, but when I said I wanted to take classes in geography and french, they made me take history and spanish (my two worst subjects) even though they wanted us to take things we we're interested in. I even said I didnt want to stay in this state, and I was even open to living in another country, but They decided it would be easier if I went to Durham, otherwise known as "The big city" to us poor lil common folk.But after graduation none of that was to be.
When I was about 17 or 18 I decided I wanted to make a change. I somehow found the courage to tell everyone I was going to go find a job. It shouldn't have been such a big deal since we didn't live in the woods anymore and we could get around town with the car. Even though I was so nervous I thought I would throw up I managed to talk to about 20 places looking for work. I never got to work at any of those places. When my mom took us (the whole family decided to go...) back home I was told that I would have to walk over 8 miles each way to work since she didnt feel she needed to take me to work. everyone kept saying to get a car, but not only did I not know how to drive, I didnt even have more than $10 at any given time.
I had wanted to go to a four year college but my family didn't even have the money for me to buy a appilcation. They sure worn't going to borrow any seeing as I wasn't even guaranteed to get in. I considered joining the air force, but of course the war on terror (ha) was going on and my mother wasnt going to let me get involved in anything like that.
So there I was a 20 year old two year college student, without any money, hardly any clothes, miles from anything, and no one to tell my probelms to. I should ahve graduated then but no my college councellor thought it would look better on a resume if I got both of my degrees at the same time. What a damn mistake that was. I should have learned after the time she blamed me for not knowing who my major advisor was (Im sorry but how can I tell the secretary at the desk that shes telling me to go to the wrong advisor and that she needs to click the tab to see a new major with a new advisor.
So I was taking classes for two majors which wasnt so bad. I event got a job as a tutor at the college. Things seemed to be improving for me. However; She didnt tell me that she had secretly put me in a third major and that was the reason why I was taking so many useless english and sociology courses.
Now im 24, I should be done with all my degrees this year, but instead Im at home. Since I had taken so many courses from my 2nd and 3rd major I went over the credit hours and no logner qualify to get my Pell grant for school. I have to get a degree before I qualify... even though I cant get a degree without the Pell.
My family life is much worse now. The rent is late, the water has been off since... the 19, and the satellite (even though I told everyone I couldn't afford it and didn't buy or pay for any of the bills) is off. I have to stay with my mom and step dad but Im not the only one here. so is his 23 year old daughter and my 21 year old sister with her two kids. I dont want to be here. I hate this life.
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