Why am I being tortured this way. The unrelenting guilt during the day is bad enough, but now I can't even escape from it by dreaming. Ive been plagued with dreams of failure and disappointment. It's not fair.
The man I dreamed about still hAsnt showed up. If he's coming he needs to hurry up. But I know he was just another unobtainable dream, so it would really make me crazy if I got mad because he didn't come for me.
Don't drag it out. Let me just die quietly and unnoticed.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Leaving Home
I decided that I'm leaving. I cant bring anymore shame to myself or disgrace to my family. Leaving is for the best. I'll sell my things and just slip away one night. I just need to decide on a location. Maybe I'll go north where it's cold. My family hates the cold so they wouldn't go there.
I know life will be hard and there's a good chance that I'll die but I won't be a burden anymore. I'll make sure I'm away from everyone. That would be a very fitting way yo go. I'll be alone in death just as I was in life. Surrounded by the cold unfeeling snow and cruel stinging winds.
I should have left years ago. Right after highschool like my classmates. But I got stuck in this town. God, if you exist and are seeing this post, please exchange my life with someone about to die. I shouldn't be in this world. Give life to those who want it next time.
I know life will be hard and there's a good chance that I'll die but I won't be a burden anymore. I'll make sure I'm away from everyone. That would be a very fitting way yo go. I'll be alone in death just as I was in life. Surrounded by the cold unfeeling snow and cruel stinging winds.
I should have left years ago. Right after highschool like my classmates. But I got stuck in this town. God, if you exist and are seeing this post, please exchange my life with someone about to die. I shouldn't be in this world. Give life to those who want it next time.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Begging
Someone... Anyone... Please listen to me. Doesn't anyone know how I feel. I dont want to be this way anymore. Can't anyone around me notice that. I'm tired of this kind of life. I want to be happy at least once. I don't know what to do anymore. Please someone tell me how to change this. I'm terrified that if I try to change I'll just fail like I did in every other aspect of my life. I'm smart but not technically gifted. If I try to live on my own I'm sure I couldn't do it. I'm useless. I'm really sick of being so useless.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Thanksgiving disaster
Thanksgiving was a big failure just like anything else I do.
On Thanksgiving eve, my older sister and my nieces came to stay with us for the holidays. Even though we were raised in a house with poorer living conditions than our current one, she acted as if everything we owned was trash. She wouldnt use the cutlery nor would she let my nieces sit on our filthy floor. I then let my niece use my headphones and my nephew broke them. I was told that it was my fault they were broken because I should have had my property in my room...
All I had wanted was to be left alone in my room. My family sidnt stop until I was dragged into the living and showed them all how to make very advanced origami modular models.
But to top it all was my step sister. She's been going around telling anyone who would listen that she was going out of town for the holidays. For some reason she wasn't able to and her other family wouldn't let her eat with them. We told her she could eat with us if age helped with the food. She refused.
She said she wasn't going to buy any food, cook any food, nor wash any dishes. She even had the nerve to try and invite her two friends to dinner. My step dad said it was ok, but we said no because we paid for it all. He couldn't stand that we told his lil angel pie NO so he gave her $50 to take her friends out to eat. What a damn spoiled brat.
Thanksgiving is such a waste of time.
On Thanksgiving eve, my older sister and my nieces came to stay with us for the holidays. Even though we were raised in a house with poorer living conditions than our current one, she acted as if everything we owned was trash. She wouldnt use the cutlery nor would she let my nieces sit on our filthy floor. I then let my niece use my headphones and my nephew broke them. I was told that it was my fault they were broken because I should have had my property in my room...
All I had wanted was to be left alone in my room. My family sidnt stop until I was dragged into the living and showed them all how to make very advanced origami modular models.
But to top it all was my step sister. She's been going around telling anyone who would listen that she was going out of town for the holidays. For some reason she wasn't able to and her other family wouldn't let her eat with them. We told her she could eat with us if age helped with the food. She refused.
She said she wasn't going to buy any food, cook any food, nor wash any dishes. She even had the nerve to try and invite her two friends to dinner. My step dad said it was ok, but we said no because we paid for it all. He couldn't stand that we told his lil angel pie NO so he gave her $50 to take her friends out to eat. What a damn spoiled brat.
Thanksgiving is such a waste of time.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Dream guy
Before I start this post everyone should know that I am a gay male. Im single and have been for a while now. I havent told my family because Im sure I would be beaten and then kicked out. MaybE I should tell them.
Anyway.
I dreamed about him again. It's been several months, but I'm sure it was him. The guy I really want to meet.
I can clearly remember the first dream. I'm not sure of the events that lead up to me being there but I'm sure I was at his house. I could see the snow outside. I believe it was someplace in a mountain forest. I was holding a tray with some hot soup and cloth bandages. I went to a room and opened a door. I saw a man resting on the bed.
I guess he would be called a bear(gay lingo for big hairy man). He had cooper brown hair. His buzz cut hair perfectly matched his 5 o'clock shadow and goatee. I think something had happened to him because his body was covered in bandages. His hands were tightly wrapped in them. He had a large firm body. His physique wasn't muscular, but I could tell he was a strong man.
He talked and laughed with me as I changed his bandages. He had a kind smile and deep rich voice. He thanked me and then I woke up. I somehow knew that he meant it. It was sad because I had only been truly thanked a couple times, even worse it was a dream.
The second dream was more Intense. I think we were still in his house, but it was much warmer and the decor was different. The last time the house was sort of cold and dark. Now it was sunnier and full of color. He was in the room with me. He no longer had the bandages on. I could clearly see his face as well. He didn't have the looks of a model but he was handsome and very rugged. His eyes were a brownish green.
For some reason I was going to do the laundry and he wanted me to write his name on his white items. I believe it started with a C. As I was writing the labels he stood close behind me and hugged me. I know this was a dream, but I had full control of my senses. I still remember how he smelled. A manly musky scent. He had thick strong arms which held me very tightly to his warm chest. He told me he didn't want to lose me and that he wanted me to stay. He then kissed me. Even though he was s large guy he kissed me very gently and delicately.
The strange part was that he took a picture of us together. He then told me to wait for him and that he would find me. It was so strange. Even though it was a dream I'll never forget how he made me feel.
Maybe I've finally gone insane. A man from a dream has kissed me and promised to find me. Heaven knows what will happen if I dream about him again. Am I losing my mind?
Anyway.
I dreamed about him again. It's been several months, but I'm sure it was him. The guy I really want to meet.
I can clearly remember the first dream. I'm not sure of the events that lead up to me being there but I'm sure I was at his house. I could see the snow outside. I believe it was someplace in a mountain forest. I was holding a tray with some hot soup and cloth bandages. I went to a room and opened a door. I saw a man resting on the bed.
I guess he would be called a bear(gay lingo for big hairy man). He had cooper brown hair. His buzz cut hair perfectly matched his 5 o'clock shadow and goatee. I think something had happened to him because his body was covered in bandages. His hands were tightly wrapped in them. He had a large firm body. His physique wasn't muscular, but I could tell he was a strong man.
He talked and laughed with me as I changed his bandages. He had a kind smile and deep rich voice. He thanked me and then I woke up. I somehow knew that he meant it. It was sad because I had only been truly thanked a couple times, even worse it was a dream.
The second dream was more Intense. I think we were still in his house, but it was much warmer and the decor was different. The last time the house was sort of cold and dark. Now it was sunnier and full of color. He was in the room with me. He no longer had the bandages on. I could clearly see his face as well. He didn't have the looks of a model but he was handsome and very rugged. His eyes were a brownish green.
For some reason I was going to do the laundry and he wanted me to write his name on his white items. I believe it started with a C. As I was writing the labels he stood close behind me and hugged me. I know this was a dream, but I had full control of my senses. I still remember how he smelled. A manly musky scent. He had thick strong arms which held me very tightly to his warm chest. He told me he didn't want to lose me and that he wanted me to stay. He then kissed me. Even though he was s large guy he kissed me very gently and delicately.
The strange part was that he took a picture of us together. He then told me to wait for him and that he would find me. It was so strange. Even though it was a dream I'll never forget how he made me feel.
Maybe I've finally gone insane. A man from a dream has kissed me and promised to find me. Heaven knows what will happen if I dream about him again. Am I losing my mind?
Monday, November 21, 2011
Sickness
I'm catching a cold. I'm glad. I'll be completely miserable then. I deserve it. Maybe I can catch pneumonia. The tension in this house is building. The family can't take much more. I can't take much more.
Someone... Anyone.... If you can read this message please save me from this place. Take me far away. I know I haven't been a useful person. I don't want to burden my family.
Someone... Anyone.... If you can read this message please save me from this place. Take me far away. I know I haven't been a useful person. I don't want to burden my family.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Limits
I'm still here somehow. Is this the potential of the human bodies will to live? I was thinking about why I'm still here. I see no need to be. I'm hardly ever happy it sad. There's nothing in life that I'm particularly attached to either. I decided that I have no joy left in this world so why must I be forced to stay here. Is this what he'll is like? Everyone ignore me. Maybe if I'm not noticed then I will truly be on
My way to freedom. I'll be the guy whos face won't ever be recognized. I'll be a real ghost. Then maybe the laws of nature will eject me from this life. I'll push myself beyond the barriers of existence and remain outside the cycle. Perhaps I haven't suffered enough in this life.
My way to freedom. I'll be the guy whos face won't ever be recognized. I'll be a real ghost. Then maybe the laws of nature will eject me from this life. I'll push myself beyond the barriers of existence and remain outside the cycle. Perhaps I haven't suffered enough in this life.
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