Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Begging
Someone... Anyone... Please listen to me. Doesn't anyone know how I feel. I dont want to be this way anymore. Can't anyone around me notice that. I'm tired of this kind of life. I want to be happy at least once. I don't know what to do anymore. Please someone tell me how to change this. I'm terrified that if I try to change I'll just fail like I did in every other aspect of my life. I'm smart but not technically gifted. If I try to live on my own I'm sure I couldn't do it. I'm useless. I'm really sick of being so useless.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Thanksgiving disaster
Thanksgiving was a big failure just like anything else I do.
On Thanksgiving eve, my older sister and my nieces came to stay with us for the holidays. Even though we were raised in a house with poorer living conditions than our current one, she acted as if everything we owned was trash. She wouldnt use the cutlery nor would she let my nieces sit on our filthy floor. I then let my niece use my headphones and my nephew broke them. I was told that it was my fault they were broken because I should have had my property in my room...
All I had wanted was to be left alone in my room. My family sidnt stop until I was dragged into the living and showed them all how to make very advanced origami modular models.
But to top it all was my step sister. She's been going around telling anyone who would listen that she was going out of town for the holidays. For some reason she wasn't able to and her other family wouldn't let her eat with them. We told her she could eat with us if age helped with the food. She refused.
She said she wasn't going to buy any food, cook any food, nor wash any dishes. She even had the nerve to try and invite her two friends to dinner. My step dad said it was ok, but we said no because we paid for it all. He couldn't stand that we told his lil angel pie NO so he gave her $50 to take her friends out to eat. What a damn spoiled brat.
Thanksgiving is such a waste of time.
On Thanksgiving eve, my older sister and my nieces came to stay with us for the holidays. Even though we were raised in a house with poorer living conditions than our current one, she acted as if everything we owned was trash. She wouldnt use the cutlery nor would she let my nieces sit on our filthy floor. I then let my niece use my headphones and my nephew broke them. I was told that it was my fault they were broken because I should have had my property in my room...
All I had wanted was to be left alone in my room. My family sidnt stop until I was dragged into the living and showed them all how to make very advanced origami modular models.
But to top it all was my step sister. She's been going around telling anyone who would listen that she was going out of town for the holidays. For some reason she wasn't able to and her other family wouldn't let her eat with them. We told her she could eat with us if age helped with the food. She refused.
She said she wasn't going to buy any food, cook any food, nor wash any dishes. She even had the nerve to try and invite her two friends to dinner. My step dad said it was ok, but we said no because we paid for it all. He couldn't stand that we told his lil angel pie NO so he gave her $50 to take her friends out to eat. What a damn spoiled brat.
Thanksgiving is such a waste of time.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Dream guy
Before I start this post everyone should know that I am a gay male. Im single and have been for a while now. I havent told my family because Im sure I would be beaten and then kicked out. MaybE I should tell them.
Anyway.
I dreamed about him again. It's been several months, but I'm sure it was him. The guy I really want to meet.
I can clearly remember the first dream. I'm not sure of the events that lead up to me being there but I'm sure I was at his house. I could see the snow outside. I believe it was someplace in a mountain forest. I was holding a tray with some hot soup and cloth bandages. I went to a room and opened a door. I saw a man resting on the bed.
I guess he would be called a bear(gay lingo for big hairy man). He had cooper brown hair. His buzz cut hair perfectly matched his 5 o'clock shadow and goatee. I think something had happened to him because his body was covered in bandages. His hands were tightly wrapped in them. He had a large firm body. His physique wasn't muscular, but I could tell he was a strong man.
He talked and laughed with me as I changed his bandages. He had a kind smile and deep rich voice. He thanked me and then I woke up. I somehow knew that he meant it. It was sad because I had only been truly thanked a couple times, even worse it was a dream.
The second dream was more Intense. I think we were still in his house, but it was much warmer and the decor was different. The last time the house was sort of cold and dark. Now it was sunnier and full of color. He was in the room with me. He no longer had the bandages on. I could clearly see his face as well. He didn't have the looks of a model but he was handsome and very rugged. His eyes were a brownish green.
For some reason I was going to do the laundry and he wanted me to write his name on his white items. I believe it started with a C. As I was writing the labels he stood close behind me and hugged me. I know this was a dream, but I had full control of my senses. I still remember how he smelled. A manly musky scent. He had thick strong arms which held me very tightly to his warm chest. He told me he didn't want to lose me and that he wanted me to stay. He then kissed me. Even though he was s large guy he kissed me very gently and delicately.
The strange part was that he took a picture of us together. He then told me to wait for him and that he would find me. It was so strange. Even though it was a dream I'll never forget how he made me feel.
Maybe I've finally gone insane. A man from a dream has kissed me and promised to find me. Heaven knows what will happen if I dream about him again. Am I losing my mind?
Anyway.
I dreamed about him again. It's been several months, but I'm sure it was him. The guy I really want to meet.
I can clearly remember the first dream. I'm not sure of the events that lead up to me being there but I'm sure I was at his house. I could see the snow outside. I believe it was someplace in a mountain forest. I was holding a tray with some hot soup and cloth bandages. I went to a room and opened a door. I saw a man resting on the bed.
I guess he would be called a bear(gay lingo for big hairy man). He had cooper brown hair. His buzz cut hair perfectly matched his 5 o'clock shadow and goatee. I think something had happened to him because his body was covered in bandages. His hands were tightly wrapped in them. He had a large firm body. His physique wasn't muscular, but I could tell he was a strong man.
He talked and laughed with me as I changed his bandages. He had a kind smile and deep rich voice. He thanked me and then I woke up. I somehow knew that he meant it. It was sad because I had only been truly thanked a couple times, even worse it was a dream.
The second dream was more Intense. I think we were still in his house, but it was much warmer and the decor was different. The last time the house was sort of cold and dark. Now it was sunnier and full of color. He was in the room with me. He no longer had the bandages on. I could clearly see his face as well. He didn't have the looks of a model but he was handsome and very rugged. His eyes were a brownish green.
For some reason I was going to do the laundry and he wanted me to write his name on his white items. I believe it started with a C. As I was writing the labels he stood close behind me and hugged me. I know this was a dream, but I had full control of my senses. I still remember how he smelled. A manly musky scent. He had thick strong arms which held me very tightly to his warm chest. He told me he didn't want to lose me and that he wanted me to stay. He then kissed me. Even though he was s large guy he kissed me very gently and delicately.
The strange part was that he took a picture of us together. He then told me to wait for him and that he would find me. It was so strange. Even though it was a dream I'll never forget how he made me feel.
Maybe I've finally gone insane. A man from a dream has kissed me and promised to find me. Heaven knows what will happen if I dream about him again. Am I losing my mind?
Monday, November 21, 2011
Sickness
I'm catching a cold. I'm glad. I'll be completely miserable then. I deserve it. Maybe I can catch pneumonia. The tension in this house is building. The family can't take much more. I can't take much more.
Someone... Anyone.... If you can read this message please save me from this place. Take me far away. I know I haven't been a useful person. I don't want to burden my family.
Someone... Anyone.... If you can read this message please save me from this place. Take me far away. I know I haven't been a useful person. I don't want to burden my family.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Limits
I'm still here somehow. Is this the potential of the human bodies will to live? I was thinking about why I'm still here. I see no need to be. I'm hardly ever happy it sad. There's nothing in life that I'm particularly attached to either. I decided that I have no joy left in this world so why must I be forced to stay here. Is this what he'll is like? Everyone ignore me. Maybe if I'm not noticed then I will truly be on
My way to freedom. I'll be the guy whos face won't ever be recognized. I'll be a real ghost. Then maybe the laws of nature will eject me from this life. I'll push myself beyond the barriers of existence and remain outside the cycle. Perhaps I haven't suffered enough in this life.
My way to freedom. I'll be the guy whos face won't ever be recognized. I'll be a real ghost. Then maybe the laws of nature will eject me from this life. I'll push myself beyond the barriers of existence and remain outside the cycle. Perhaps I haven't suffered enough in this life.
Monday, November 14, 2011
My dream
For the past few nights I've had strange dreams. They usually invoke my family. In my dreams no one is arguing. EveryOne looked so happy. They were peaceful dreams. They made me feel so calm when I awoke. My family didn't have ant worries. My mom was able to bake abs sew without worry about ingrediants or cloth. My sister were married and had happy families of their own. Heck my step dad was also watching football with my nephews. Everyone had the normal happy life they always wanted.
But I wasn't a part of this dream. I was a ghost. An outsider. All I could do was observe these smiling people. I was happy for them. No one seemed upset that I wasn't there, but that doesn't bother me.
Now I know why. It's because I shouldn't have been there in the first place. If the only reason I'm in this family is to provide a easier life for them then I was never needed at all. Especially now that I can't feudal the role they expected me to.
I always thought my narrow minded family was holding me back in life. Now I know that I'm the one Golding them back.
I hope I have another dream tonight. Another peaceful calming dream. Maybe if I wish hard enough the dream will cone true and all traces if me will vanish from this world.
What a cruel heartless reality.
But I wasn't a part of this dream. I was a ghost. An outsider. All I could do was observe these smiling people. I was happy for them. No one seemed upset that I wasn't there, but that doesn't bother me.
Now I know why. It's because I shouldn't have been there in the first place. If the only reason I'm in this family is to provide a easier life for them then I was never needed at all. Especially now that I can't feudal the role they expected me to.
I always thought my narrow minded family was holding me back in life. Now I know that I'm the one Golding them back.
I hope I have another dream tonight. Another peaceful calming dream. Maybe if I wish hard enough the dream will cone true and all traces if me will vanish from this world.
What a cruel heartless reality.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Unequal
My anxiety is through the roof right now. Something has to change.
Today my sister will get a longer work shift at the local Food Lion, bit it's still part time. I also over heard my step sister bragging about working in a tobacco field. She isn't qualified to do anything else, so I guess that's fine.
Even though both of them are "working" they are complaining that they are being asked to pay for bills. When I was working I paid for the water, Internet, and part of the electric bill. Then If there was anything left it was mine, and I usually used that on other bills or saved it to get out of this town. During that time my sister chipped in $60 over two years for the Internet fee, and she only did that because I begged. She also expects me to babysit any time of the day without getting paid for it.
My step sister still refuses to pay for anything. But because her dad is here, she gets to use all of the utilities whenever she wants. The spoiled brat (she's 23) always says "I'll just tell my daddy about it because he said I can do what I want." She treats my mom like a maid and even threatened to take away her car keys because her dumbass dad pays for the car (he sold my moms car, which she paid for, and kept the money).
Now that I'm out of work they still expect me to pay for all of that on my own. I haven't worked in a couple of months which is nothing compared to them not hAving jobs for a couple years.
Why is there always a separate standard for me. I'm just an average guy who cracked under pressure. It wasn't fair for them to expect me to shoulder my burdens and theirs. That's too much for one person. I'm not superman.
I thought I had found the resolve to look for work again but I don't know if I'm strong enough. I'm a useless coward.
Today my sister will get a longer work shift at the local Food Lion, bit it's still part time. I also over heard my step sister bragging about working in a tobacco field. She isn't qualified to do anything else, so I guess that's fine.
Even though both of them are "working" they are complaining that they are being asked to pay for bills. When I was working I paid for the water, Internet, and part of the electric bill. Then If there was anything left it was mine, and I usually used that on other bills or saved it to get out of this town. During that time my sister chipped in $60 over two years for the Internet fee, and she only did that because I begged. She also expects me to babysit any time of the day without getting paid for it.
My step sister still refuses to pay for anything. But because her dad is here, she gets to use all of the utilities whenever she wants. The spoiled brat (she's 23) always says "I'll just tell my daddy about it because he said I can do what I want." She treats my mom like a maid and even threatened to take away her car keys because her dumbass dad pays for the car (he sold my moms car, which she paid for, and kept the money).
Now that I'm out of work they still expect me to pay for all of that on my own. I haven't worked in a couple of months which is nothing compared to them not hAving jobs for a couple years.
Why is there always a separate standard for me. I'm just an average guy who cracked under pressure. It wasn't fair for them to expect me to shoulder my burdens and theirs. That's too much for one person. I'm not superman.
I thought I had found the resolve to look for work again but I don't know if I'm strong enough. I'm a useless coward.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Defenses
When I was in the 8th grade I went through a very bad depression that lasted until the 11th grade. Those years were pure hell. Money was very tight because my mom lost her job and I wasn't able to work yet. We had stopped getting birthday and Christmas gifts years ago because they cost too much. I'll never forget the first Christmas after my mom lost her job. She Cried in her room all morning.
Since there was a huge lack of money we never got new clothes. Clothes and good looks were the only things that mattered to my classmates. People used to take bets on which of my limited outfits I would wear to school. I told teachers about it, but as usual, they suggested that I ignore them. It's hard to ignore a class full of 30 high school students.
I also got free lunch at school. For some reason it was fine to get your lunches for free in middle school, but not high school. I did my best to make sure no one found out, but some heard me tell the lunch lady my lunch was free and they told everyone in the line. By the time I finished eating the whole cafeteria knew about it. I had finally found a group of about 5 people that would let me eat lunch at there table, but not after that day. People started coming up to me toss food at me and yelling free lunch.
To make matters even worse i became interested in computers. This seemed to enrage the popular kids. I quickly became the joke of the school. They were right though. A poor person trying to learn about computers when he couldn't afford to buy one.
I was also one of the few students at the school to have acne issues. No matter how much i washed the bumps never vanished. I guess i really am like acne then. I became the schools stress ball. Random people would shove or hit me in the head. The jocks and their girlfriends made sure I knew my place. Even the people I had known since kindergarten thought it was ok to do stuff to me. When I told the staff about the bullying they said they couldn't do anything unless they see it happen. Some knew it was happening, and had witnessed it, but told me to make more of an effort to fit in.
I couldn't take it anymore. I had a complete social meltdown. I got this big plain black jacket that covered all my shirt and most of my jeans and wore it every single day for about two years. It had a big hood which hid my face. I stopped talking and gave up on forced smiles and laughter. I snuck out of assemblies and skipped every school picture day. I didn't make a single attempt to interact with anyone. No one even seemed to notice my change, but because they couldn't find me they couldn't hurt me.
I didn't matter to anyone and they didn't matter to me. It was even worse at home. Not one family member asked why I was acting strangely. They thought it was funny. So, when I came home each day I went to my room and stayed there until night came. Then I'd sneak out and wander around town. I had become a living ghost. It was like being in another world.
I think that I'm reverting to this way of life again. It would be for the best.
Since there was a huge lack of money we never got new clothes. Clothes and good looks were the only things that mattered to my classmates. People used to take bets on which of my limited outfits I would wear to school. I told teachers about it, but as usual, they suggested that I ignore them. It's hard to ignore a class full of 30 high school students.
I also got free lunch at school. For some reason it was fine to get your lunches for free in middle school, but not high school. I did my best to make sure no one found out, but some heard me tell the lunch lady my lunch was free and they told everyone in the line. By the time I finished eating the whole cafeteria knew about it. I had finally found a group of about 5 people that would let me eat lunch at there table, but not after that day. People started coming up to me toss food at me and yelling free lunch.
To make matters even worse i became interested in computers. This seemed to enrage the popular kids. I quickly became the joke of the school. They were right though. A poor person trying to learn about computers when he couldn't afford to buy one.
I was also one of the few students at the school to have acne issues. No matter how much i washed the bumps never vanished. I guess i really am like acne then. I became the schools stress ball. Random people would shove or hit me in the head. The jocks and their girlfriends made sure I knew my place. Even the people I had known since kindergarten thought it was ok to do stuff to me. When I told the staff about the bullying they said they couldn't do anything unless they see it happen. Some knew it was happening, and had witnessed it, but told me to make more of an effort to fit in.
I couldn't take it anymore. I had a complete social meltdown. I got this big plain black jacket that covered all my shirt and most of my jeans and wore it every single day for about two years. It had a big hood which hid my face. I stopped talking and gave up on forced smiles and laughter. I snuck out of assemblies and skipped every school picture day. I didn't make a single attempt to interact with anyone. No one even seemed to notice my change, but because they couldn't find me they couldn't hurt me.
I didn't matter to anyone and they didn't matter to me. It was even worse at home. Not one family member asked why I was acting strangely. They thought it was funny. So, when I came home each day I went to my room and stayed there until night came. Then I'd sneak out and wander around town. I had become a living ghost. It was like being in another world.
I think that I'm reverting to this way of life again. It would be for the best.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Another morning
Damn I managed to wake up as the same worthless sob I went to bed as. Why won't this end? Is this all I have to live for?
I decided that it will be ok for me to die. I'm no longer afraid of what's on the other side. If it's heaven then my suffering will be over. If it's he'll then I really am a horrible person and will receive the punishment I deserve. If there is nothing but a great empty emotionless void then I'll be stuck in my current situation without the judging eyes of my family to make me feel bad.
I'm not suicidal though. I thought about how it will be and I want to go out as a hero. Maybe someday I'll get the chance to push someone out the path of a moving vehicle and get hit instead. Or save someone from drowning and lose my life. Exchanging this miserable existance so that someone who has a loving family and promising future can continue to live is my only path to freedom.
How many more mornings?
I decided that it will be ok for me to die. I'm no longer afraid of what's on the other side. If it's heaven then my suffering will be over. If it's he'll then I really am a horrible person and will receive the punishment I deserve. If there is nothing but a great empty emotionless void then I'll be stuck in my current situation without the judging eyes of my family to make me feel bad.
I'm not suicidal though. I thought about how it will be and I want to go out as a hero. Maybe someday I'll get the chance to push someone out the path of a moving vehicle and get hit instead. Or save someone from drowning and lose my life. Exchanging this miserable existance so that someone who has a loving family and promising future can continue to live is my only path to freedom.
How many more mornings?
Friday, November 4, 2011
im useless
My anxiety and depression is getting worse. Everyone around me is talking about how I failed. I wanted to do so much in life. I wanted to do my best to make my family happy. I had so many plans for us. I'm all alone. I cant do anything more for them. I shouldn't be allowed to exist this way. Is this what my life will be like from now on? For every day to be a struggle to face the people I love. I go to sleep each night hoping Ill just vanish before the sun rises. This kind of life is too much for me. Im a useless person and a waste of everyone's time. Ive ruined all their lives and brought the ultimate shame upon myself. I should be punished for it. Some one please punish me for it... maybe if I keep suffering this way I can at least atone for my failings.
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