Reatless

Why am I being tortured this way. The unrelenting guilt during the day is bad enough, but now I can't even escape from it by dreaming. Ive been plagued with dreams of failure and disappointment. It's not fair.

The man I dreamed about still hAsnt showed up. If he's coming he needs to hurry up. But I know he was just another unobtainable dream, so it would really make me crazy if I got mad because he didn't come for me.

Don't drag it out. Let me just die quietly and unnoticed.

Leaving Home

I decided that I'm leaving. I cant bring anymore shame to myself or disgrace to my family. Leaving is for the best. I'll sell my things and just slip away one night. I just need to decide on a location. Maybe I'll go north where it's cold. My family hates the cold so they wouldn't go there.

I know life will be hard and there's a good chance that I'll die but I won't be a burden anymore. I'll make sure I'm away from everyone. That would be a very fitting way yo go. I'll be alone in death just as I was in life. Surrounded by the cold unfeeling snow and cruel stinging winds.

I should have left years ago. Right after highschool like my classmates. But I got stuck in this town. God, if you exist and are seeing this post, please exchange my life with someone about to die. I shouldn't be in this world. Give life to those who want it next time.

Begging

Someone... Anyone... Please listen to me. Doesn't anyone know how I feel. I dont want to be this way anymore. Can't anyone around me notice that. I'm tired of this kind of life. I want to be happy at least once. I don't know what to do anymore. Please someone tell me how to change this. I'm terrified that if I try to change I'll just fail like I did in every other aspect of my life. I'm smart but not technically gifted. If I try to live on my own I'm sure I couldn't do it. I'm useless. I'm really sick of being so useless.

Thanksgiving disaster

Thanksgiving was a big failure just like anything else I do.

On Thanksgiving eve, my older sister and my nieces came to stay with us for the holidays. Even though we were raised in a house with poorer living conditions than our current one, she acted as if everything we owned was trash. She wouldnt use the cutlery nor would she let my nieces sit on our filthy floor. I then let my niece use my headphones and my nephew broke them. I was told that it was my fault they were broken because I should have had my property in my room...

All I had wanted was to be left alone in my room. My family sidnt stop until I was dragged into the living and showed them all how to make very advanced origami modular models.

But to top it all was my step sister. She's been going around telling anyone who would listen that she was going out of town for the holidays. For some reason she wasn't able to and her other family wouldn't let her eat with them. We told her she could eat with us if age helped with the food. She refused.

She said she wasn't going to buy any food, cook any food, nor wash any dishes. She even had the nerve to try and invite her two friends to dinner. My step dad said it was ok, but we said no because we paid for it all. He couldn't stand that we told his lil angel pie NO so he gave her $50 to take her friends out to eat. What a damn spoiled brat.

Thanksgiving is such a waste of time.

Dream guy

Before I start this post everyone should know that I am a gay male. Im single and have been for a while now. I havent told my family because Im sure I would be beaten and then kicked out. MaybE I should tell them.

Anyway.

I dreamed about him again. It's been several months, but I'm sure it was him. The guy I really want to meet.

I can clearly remember the first dream. I'm not sure of the events that lead up to me being there but I'm sure I was at his house. I could see the snow outside. I believe it was someplace in a mountain forest. I was holding a tray with some hot soup and cloth bandages. I went to a room and opened a door. I saw a man resting on the bed.

I guess he would be called a bear(gay lingo for big hairy man). He had cooper brown hair. His buzz cut hair perfectly matched his 5 o'clock shadow and goatee. I think something had happened to him because his body was covered in bandages. His hands were tightly wrapped in them. He had a large firm body. His physique wasn't muscular, but I could tell he was a strong man.

He talked and laughed with me as I changed his bandages. He had a kind smile and deep rich voice. He thanked me and then I woke up. I somehow knew that he meant it. It was sad because I had only been truly thanked a couple times, even worse it was a dream.

The second dream was more Intense. I think we were still in his house, but it was much warmer and the decor was different. The last time the house was sort of cold and dark. Now it was sunnier and full of color. He was in the room with me. He no longer had the bandages on. I could clearly see his face as well. He didn't have the looks of a model but he was handsome and very rugged. His eyes were a brownish green.

For some reason I was going to do the laundry and he wanted me to write his name on his white items. I believe it started with a C. As I was writing the labels he stood close behind me and hugged me. I know this was a dream, but I had full control of my senses. I still remember how he smelled. A manly musky scent. He had thick strong arms which held me very tightly to his warm chest. He told me he didn't want to lose me and that he wanted me to stay. He then kissed me. Even though he was s large guy he kissed me very gently and delicately.

The strange part was that he took a picture of us together. He then told me to wait for him and that he would find me. It was so strange. Even though it was a dream I'll never forget how he made me feel.

Maybe I've finally gone insane. A man from a dream has kissed me and promised to find me. Heaven knows what will happen if I dream about him again. Am I losing my mind?

Sickness

I'm catching a cold. I'm glad. I'll be completely miserable then. I deserve it. Maybe I can catch pneumonia. The tension in this house is building. The family can't take much more. I can't take much more.

Someone... Anyone.... If you can read this message please save me from this place. Take me far away. I know I haven't been a useful person. I don't want to burden my family.

Limits

I'm still here somehow. Is this the potential of the human bodies will to live? I was thinking about why I'm still here. I see no need to be. I'm hardly ever happy it sad. There's nothing in life that I'm particularly attached to either. I decided that I have no joy left in this world so why must I be forced to stay here. Is this what he'll is like? Everyone ignore me. Maybe if I'm not noticed then I will truly be on
My way to freedom. I'll be the guy whos face won't ever be recognized. I'll be a real ghost. Then maybe the laws of nature will eject me from this life. I'll push myself beyond the barriers of existence and remain outside the cycle. Perhaps I haven't suffered enough in this life.

My dream

For the past few nights I've had strange dreams. They usually invoke my family. In my dreams no one is arguing. EveryOne looked so happy. They were peaceful dreams. They made me feel so calm when I awoke. My family didn't have ant worries. My mom was able to bake abs sew without worry about ingrediants or cloth. My sister were married and had happy families of their own. Heck my step dad was also watching football with my nephews. Everyone had the normal happy life they always wanted.

But I wasn't a part of this dream. I was a ghost. An outsider. All I could do was observe these smiling people. I was happy for them. No one seemed upset that I wasn't there, but that doesn't bother me.

Now I know why. It's because I shouldn't have been there in the first place. If the only reason I'm in this family is to provide a easier life for them then I was never needed at all. Especially now that I can't feudal the role they expected me to.

I always thought my narrow minded family was holding me back in life. Now I know that I'm the one Golding them back.

I hope I have another dream tonight. Another peaceful calming dream. Maybe if I wish hard enough the dream will cone true and all traces if me will vanish from this world.

What a cruel heartless reality.

Unequal

My anxiety is through the roof right now. Something has to change.

Today my sister will get a longer work shift at the local Food Lion, bit it's still part time. I also over heard my step sister bragging about working in a tobacco field. She isn't qualified to do anything else, so I guess that's fine.

Even though both of them are "working" they are complaining that they are being asked to pay for bills. When I was working I paid for the water, Internet, and part of the electric bill. Then If there was anything left it was mine, and I usually used that on other bills or saved it to get out of this town. During that time my sister chipped in $60 over two years for the Internet fee, and she only did that because I begged. She also expects me to babysit any time of the day without getting paid for it.

My step sister still refuses to pay for anything. But because her dad is here, she gets to use all of the utilities whenever she wants. The spoiled brat (she's 23) always says "I'll just tell my daddy about it because he said I can do what I want." She treats my mom like a maid and even threatened to take away her car keys because her dumbass dad pays for the car (he sold my moms car, which she paid for, and kept the money).

Now that I'm out of work they still expect me to pay for all of that on my own. I haven't worked in a couple of months which is nothing compared to them not hAving jobs for a couple years.

Why is there always a separate standard for me. I'm just an average guy who cracked under pressure. It wasn't fair for them to expect me to shoulder my burdens and theirs. That's too much for one person. I'm not superman.

I thought I had found the resolve to look for work again but I don't know if I'm strong enough. I'm a useless coward.

Defenses

When I was in the 8th grade I went through a very bad depression that lasted until the 11th grade. Those years were pure hell. Money was very tight because my mom lost her job and I wasn't able to work yet. We had stopped getting birthday and Christmas gifts years ago because they cost too much. I'll never forget the first Christmas after my mom lost her job. She Cried in her room all morning.

Since there was a huge lack of money we never got new clothes. Clothes and good looks were the only things that mattered to my classmates. People used to take bets on which of my limited outfits I would wear to school. I told teachers about it, but as usual, they suggested that I ignore them. It's hard to ignore a class full of 30 high school students.

I also got free lunch at school. For some reason it was fine to get your lunches for free in middle school, but not high school. I did my best to make sure no one found out, but some heard me tell the lunch lady my lunch was free and they told everyone in the line. By the time I finished eating the whole cafeteria knew about it. I had finally found a group of about 5 people that would let me eat lunch at there table, but not after that day. People started coming up to me toss food at me and yelling free lunch.

To make matters even worse i became interested in computers. This seemed to enrage the popular kids. I quickly became the joke of the school. They were right though. A poor person trying to learn about computers when he couldn't afford to buy one.

I was also one of the few students at the school to have acne issues. No matter how much i washed the bumps never vanished. I guess i really am like acne then. I became the schools stress ball. Random people would shove or hit me in the head. The jocks and their girlfriends made sure I knew my place. Even the people I had known since kindergarten thought it was ok to do stuff to me. When I told the staff about the bullying they said they couldn't do anything unless they see it happen. Some knew it was happening, and had witnessed it, but told me to make more of an effort to fit in.

I couldn't take it anymore. I had a complete social meltdown. I got this big plain black jacket that covered all my shirt and most of my jeans and wore it every single day for about two years. It had a big hood which hid my face. I stopped talking and gave up on forced smiles and laughter. I snuck out of assemblies and skipped every school picture day. I didn't make a single attempt to interact with anyone. No one even seemed to notice my change, but because they couldn't find me they couldn't hurt me.

I didn't matter to anyone and they didn't matter to me. It was even worse at home. Not one family member asked why I was acting strangely. They thought it was funny. So, when I came home each day I went to my room and stayed there until night came. Then I'd sneak out and wander around town. I had become a living ghost. It was like being in another world.

I think that I'm reverting to this way of life again. It would be for the best.

Another morning

Damn I managed to wake up as the same worthless sob I went to bed as. Why won't this end? Is this all I have to live for?

I decided that it will be ok for me to die. I'm no longer afraid of what's on the other side. If it's heaven then my suffering will be over. If it's he'll then I really am a horrible person and will receive the punishment I deserve. If there is nothing but a great empty emotionless void then I'll be stuck in my current situation without the judging eyes of my family to make me feel bad.

I'm not suicidal though. I thought about how it will be and I want to go out as a hero. Maybe someday I'll get the chance to push someone out the path of a moving vehicle and get hit instead. Or save someone from drowning and lose my life. Exchanging this miserable existance so that someone who has a loving family and promising future can continue to live is my only path to freedom.

How many more mornings?

im useless

My anxiety and depression is getting worse. Everyone around me is talking about how I failed. I wanted to do so much in life. I wanted to do my best to make my family happy. I had so many plans for us. I'm all alone. I cant do anything more for them. I shouldn't be allowed to exist this way. Is this what my life will be like from now on? For every day to be a struggle to face the people I love. I go to sleep each night hoping Ill just vanish before the sun rises. This kind of life is too much for me. Im a useless person and a waste of everyone's time. Ive ruined all their lives and brought the ultimate shame upon myself. I should be punished for it. Some one please punish me for it... maybe if I keep suffering this way I can at least atone for my failings.

why?

Why did my life turn out this way? My classmates got to be happy. They got to grow up with nice things. They never had to worry about doing their homework before the sun went down since the power was off. They didnt have to worry about ACTUALLY freezing to death in the winter because they ran out of firewood. They never had to listen to their mom cry because she was worried how we would eat that month. They never had to worry about people noticing that they had worn an item of clothing for the second time that week because they didnt have anything else to wear. They never had to lie and say their plumbing was messed up when it was actually turned off.

Whats even worse is that I know there are people out there in worse situations than me. Im pathetic.

Radio Email 1

I live in Roxboro, North Carolina. I have an average poor family. We had plenty of situations when we were out of food stamps, so we had bologna and treet meat (couldn't afford the spam) for the day and you couldn't get both if you got an extra loaf of bread. My mother didn't finish high school and my father (who had cancer and died of a brain injury)  never finished elemtary school and couldnt read or write. My sisters and I were always told that our education will lead to great things. When I graduated high school my family didnt have the money to buy college applications let alone send me to a four year university. The best and cheapest choice was to do two years at a community college and transfer once I could afford to.

I qualified for the Pell grant and I was doing very well my first two years at the local community college and even got a job as a peer tutor mentor (I got a reward for it last year) which counted as class credit but I couldn't make more than $400 a month. Our town had a few new factories that were hiring, and a lot of small businesses had started at this time.  It was all fine for a while, but one day the largest factory in the town shut down. It sent a huge ripple effect of downturn through this town.

A few weeks later another factory closed and a dozen more small business got shut down. The price of gas sky rocketed and the number of people you saw using a food stamps card (the one with the American flag as the cover) at the grocery store was going up. The economy had started to die and with it my way of life. My mom lost her job since there weren't people coming in to shop, my step dad had to change jobs to save money on the three dollar gas, my sister lost her job since people didn't have money to waste on photos, and  the majority of the students I tutored we're unemployed factory workers who hadn't used a textbook in over 30 years. When I point out talked about it to my friends, who WERE republican, they said I was just whining because I was poor anyway. The very same people who told me that Bush should be elected again  to follow up in Iraq and didnt vote for Obama because he was black (Im black and since this is the south the white people don't care about open racism that much =/  )

I was spending every paycheck on a bill and hardly making ends meet. I didn't have a lot of money left after each pay check so I had to resort to credit cards. I got one with a $500 limit, and even though I never spent over $475, I always had a half dozen hidden fees that seemed to take me about a dollar over the limit and cost $40 to repay. Then I got sick and went to the hospital TWICE for 5 or 6 hours. That pretty much bankrupted me. I was charged almost $11,000 for x-rays and tests.

What was left of the the local jobs that I was interested in dried up so I (and hundreds of other) college students we're told to go back to school and learn about new forms of technology, medical professions, and business. So I did. We all did.

Now we are being told that they are not only gutting Pell grant funds but they are making it even harder to receive the grant. The only option will be to get a bank loan which will be almost impossible to pay off.

So here I sit, 24 years old, living at home with my mom, stepdad, step sister (22), little sister (21) and her two kids, no job, no cash. My older sister got lucky and married a well off chemist/scientist for some company. Now that almost all of our bills are behind the only things ill have soon is my debt and a hell of a lot of credit hours that cant be put to use here. Wed have to sell all of our things just to move to another place.

A lot of the pople I know are in the same situation, and they are starting to come around and see what is happening and why. I think a lot of the college students around the country are as well. We worked so hard in k-12 then college to do what was best for ourselves and our families. Now everyone wants us to be smart, but not from a public education and only from a private college. They want us to have good careers as long as we aren't paid through the government or want a pension.  We can be great patriotic soldiers in their military, as long as we don't get hurt and expect some sort of disability check. Don't forget we need to die really fast once we get a serious illness so we all don't have hospital bills like mine.

What the older generation fails to realize is that the young voters that got Obama elected, voted to get CHANGE elected. Im sure some people voted because he was black. Im sure some voted just because he was a democrat.  But we all voted because we believed in his message. The young people of this country are no longer going to be tools for these politicians. No matter which side they are on.

WE WANT THE CHANGE AND OPPORTUNITY WE ALL WORKED FOR.

What Do I Do?

Ok Here's a run down of whats going on.

Im 24, have no job, no cash, a few credits short of a degree, live with folks, no relationships, cant work at my old job since I cant go to college. I can work across town maybe, but even if there was a bus or a taxi here I couldnt afford to use one. don't even know how ill pay for the next internet bill. So Id have to walk over 8 miles to and from the "hiring part of town". The jobs in this place only pay minimum wage and you wont get 40 hours. You might get 25 if you are lucky.

What do I do? What does society want me to do? The people ont he televisionc all me lazy and stupid for not owning a business, and the people around me say I wasted my chances (event hough I dont recal receiveing any).

If I can get enough people to donate Ill just leave this place and vanish from this kind of life. I dont care where it leads just as long as Im not being a burden to anyone. I do want to work... I just dont want to be here and I cant live this way. Hell if push comes to shove...

No Escape

Now Im being blamed for all the financial issues of this house. Even though his daughter doesn't want to work and says she doesnt have to work if she doesnt want to because its her daddy's house, and my little sister only works about 8 hours a week if shes lucky to get the hours as a cashier. He wants my mom to work but he wants her to be a nurse like his friends wives. He somehow doesn't understand that you just cant walk into a random hospital and start changing sheets and taking blood of the patients because you would get arrested. So he wants her to work (she works as a tutor at the college), get an education to be a nurse (even though she has accounting degrees but doesnt want to be an accountant...). since Im a boy I need to be a construction worker... I would probably break a arm trying to use a jack hammer =|

I wish I could just leave. But I have nothing to start with. I have nothing. I even pawned the majority of the things I own (which isnt much) just to pay for the internet bill which is in my name. I got bad credit as well since I got sick for two days which somehow cost almost $10,000.00 for 4 hours in a hospital. Naturally they couldn't even find out what was wrong with me.

I don't know what to do anymore. All the people who we're always demanding that I do what they wanted have given up and left me to pick up the pieces of my life. I did every single thing they wanted. I never got to try to follow my dreams, and now when Im at the age that I should be living my own life I dont even have the ability to. Im always hearing about how my other classmates are doing with their families and careers.
 
I DONT WANT TO LIVE HERE.
I DO WANT TO WORK.
I DO WANT TO HAVE BETTER THAN THIS.
but I dont want to be a burden to my family.


If I could get the money Id leave. Id leave this very moment. I dont have much to pack since my only real posessions are my computer, tv, a cracked ipod (still works), and a few changes of clothes which still fit.

My History

Today I woke up one day and realize that every single thing we've done was a mistake. I've always hated this life. I never seemed to fit into it no matter how hard I wanted to.

Growing up all I heard was "Oh you are so smart and behaved. You should be a college professor or have your own company." Bullshit. My family was always poor and uneducated. Everyone tossed all their hopes and dreams onto me (even though I wasn't even old enough to understand what having a career actually entailed) to lead the family out of the dark ages so to speak.

 I was never popular at school. Everyday I did my best to get along with everyone, and my grades we're usually average or better, but nothing worked for me. I always ended up by myself on the bus. When It was time for group assignments I was always the one paired up with the teacher or the one forced into a group of three. My only company during lunch was whatever book I happened to be reading and the silence of my mind. After school I went home to my family's poor small house.

The things that happened in that house during my 13 years of living there... destroyed me emotionally. We lived in the middle of no where so there weren't any kids to play with my but two sisters and the occasional cousin. There was never anyone for me to talk to.

As I got older of course things got worse. By the end of middle school I was in a sever depression. I never talked to anyone about it or showed it on my face but Im sure people knew. I even heard a teacher say "That boy walks like the burden of the worlds are on his shoulders." In a way they were for me. While my class mates lives seemed to improve mine got worse. Things got so bad that I eventually stopped eating lunch at school and I just sat in the library every day, at the same tame, at the same time, for four years. I could have just said how I felt then but there wasn't anyone around to tell my feelings to.

Naturally with all these issues financially and socially my anxiety, depression, and esteem were all shattered. But I was the chosen son that was the family's only hope of a decent way of life. I always  I wanted to be an artist or a video game designer. That didnt fit in with everyone's vision of me though. They all decided I should be a business expert and a math teacher. The students got to pick some of their classes in high school, but when I said I wanted to take classes in geography and french, they made me take history and spanish (my two worst subjects) even though they wanted us to take things we we're interested in. I even said I didnt want to stay in this state, and I was even open to living in another country, but They decided it would be easier if I went to Durham, otherwise known as "The big city" to us poor lil common folk.But after graduation none of that was to be.

When I was about 17 or 18 I decided I wanted to make a change. I somehow found the courage to tell everyone I was going to go find a job. It shouldn't have been such a big deal since we didn't live in the woods anymore and we could get around town with the car. Even though I was so nervous I thought I would throw up I managed to talk to about 20 places looking for work. I never got to work at any of those places. When my mom took us (the whole family decided to go...) back home I was told that I would have to walk over 8 miles each way to work since she didnt feel she needed to take me to work. everyone kept saying to get a car, but not only did I not know how to drive, I didnt even have more than $10 at any given time.

I had wanted to go to a four year college but my family didn't even have the money for me to buy a appilcation. They sure worn't going to borrow any seeing as I wasn't even guaranteed to get in. I considered joining the air force, but of course the war on terror (ha) was going on and my mother wasnt going to let me get involved in anything like that.

So there I was a 20 year old two year college student, without any money, hardly any clothes, miles from anything, and no one to tell my probelms to. I should ahve graduated then but no my college councellor thought it would look better on a resume if I got both of my degrees at the same time. What a damn mistake that was. I should have learned after the time she blamed me for not knowing who my major advisor was (Im sorry but how can I tell the secretary at the desk that shes telling me to go to the wrong advisor and that she needs to click the tab to see a new major with a new advisor.

So I was taking classes for two majors which wasnt so bad. I event got a job as a tutor at the college. Things seemed to be improving for me.  However; She didnt tell me that she had secretly put me in a third major and that was the reason why I was taking so many useless english and sociology courses.

Now im 24, I should be done with all my degrees this year, but instead Im at home. Since I had taken so many courses from my 2nd and 3rd major I went over the credit hours and no logner qualify to get my Pell grant for school. I have to get a degree before I qualify... even though I cant get a degree without the Pell.


My family life is much worse now. The rent is late, the water has been off since... the 19, and the satellite (even though I told everyone I couldn't afford it and didn't buy or pay for any of the bills) is off. I have to stay with my mom and step dad but Im not the only one here. so is his 23 year old daughter and my 21 year old sister with her two kids. I dont want to be here. I hate this life.