Today I woke up one day and realize that every single thing we've done was a mistake. I've always hated this life. I never seemed to fit into it no matter how hard I wanted to.
Growing up all I heard was "Oh you are so smart and behaved. You should be a college professor or have your own company." Bullshit. My family was always poor and uneducated. Everyone tossed all their hopes and dreams onto me (even though I wasn't even old enough to understand what having a career actually entailed) to lead the family out of the dark ages so to speak.
I was never popular at school. Everyday I did my best to get along with everyone, and my grades we're usually average or better, but nothing worked for me. I always ended up by myself on the bus. When It was time for group assignments I was always the one paired up with the teacher or the one forced into a group of three. My only company during lunch was whatever book I happened to be reading and the silence of my mind. After school I went home to my family's poor small house.
The things that happened in that house during my 13 years of living there... destroyed me emotionally. We lived in the middle of no where so there weren't any kids to play with my but two sisters and the occasional cousin. There was never anyone for me to talk to.
As I got older of course things got worse. By the end of middle school I was in a sever depression. I never talked to anyone about it or showed it on my face but Im sure people knew. I even heard a teacher say "That boy walks like the burden of the worlds are on his shoulders." In a way they were for me. While my class mates lives seemed to improve mine got worse. Things got so bad that I eventually stopped eating lunch at school and I just sat in the library every day, at the same tame, at the same time, for four years. I could have just said how I felt then but there wasn't anyone around to tell my feelings to.
Naturally with all these issues financially and socially my anxiety, depression, and esteem were all shattered. But I was the chosen son that was the family's only hope of a decent way of life. I always I wanted to be an artist or a video game designer. That didnt fit in with everyone's vision of me though. They all decided I should be a business expert and a math teacher. The students got to pick some of their classes in high school, but when I said I wanted to take classes in geography and french, they made me take history and spanish (my two worst subjects) even though they wanted us to take things we we're interested in. I even said I didnt want to stay in this state, and I was even open to living in another country, but They decided it would be easier if I went to Durham, otherwise known as "The big city" to us poor lil common folk.But after graduation none of that was to be.
When I was about 17 or 18 I decided I wanted to make a change. I somehow found the courage to tell everyone I was going to go find a job. It shouldn't have been such a big deal since we didn't live in the woods anymore and we could get around town with the car. Even though I was so nervous I thought I would throw up I managed to talk to about 20 places looking for work. I never got to work at any of those places. When my mom took us (the whole family decided to go...) back home I was told that I would have to walk over 8 miles each way to work since she didnt feel she needed to take me to work. everyone kept saying to get a car, but not only did I not know how to drive, I didnt even have more than $10 at any given time.
I had wanted to go to a four year college but my family didn't even have the money for me to buy a appilcation. They sure worn't going to borrow any seeing as I wasn't even guaranteed to get in. I considered joining the air force, but of course the war on terror (ha) was going on and my mother wasnt going to let me get involved in anything like that.
So there I was a 20 year old two year college student, without any money, hardly any clothes, miles from anything, and no one to tell my probelms to. I should ahve graduated then but no my college councellor thought it would look better on a resume if I got both of my degrees at the same time. What a damn mistake that was. I should have learned after the time she blamed me for not knowing who my major advisor was (Im sorry but how can I tell the secretary at the desk that shes telling me to go to the wrong advisor and that she needs to click the tab to see a new major with a new advisor.
So I was taking classes for two majors which wasnt so bad. I event got a job as a tutor at the college. Things seemed to be improving for me. However; She didnt tell me that she had secretly put me in a third major and that was the reason why I was taking so many useless english and sociology courses.
Now im 24, I should be done with all my degrees this year, but instead Im at home. Since I had taken so many courses from my 2nd and 3rd major I went over the credit hours and no logner qualify to get my Pell grant for school. I have to get a degree before I qualify... even though I cant get a degree without the Pell.
My family life is much worse now. The rent is late, the water has been off since... the 19, and the satellite (even though I told everyone I couldn't afford it and didn't buy or pay for any of the bills) is off. I have to stay with my mom and step dad but Im not the only one here. so is his 23 year old daughter and my 21 year old sister with her two kids. I dont want to be here. I hate this life.
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