For the past few nights I've had strange dreams. They usually invoke my family. In my dreams no one is arguing. EveryOne looked so happy. They were peaceful dreams. They made me feel so calm when I awoke. My family didn't have ant worries. My mom was able to bake abs sew without worry about ingrediants or cloth. My sister were married and had happy families of their own. Heck my step dad was also watching football with my nephews. Everyone had the normal happy life they always wanted.
But I wasn't a part of this dream. I was a ghost. An outsider. All I could do was observe these smiling people. I was happy for them. No one seemed upset that I wasn't there, but that doesn't bother me.
Now I know why. It's because I shouldn't have been there in the first place. If the only reason I'm in this family is to provide a easier life for them then I was never needed at all. Especially now that I can't feudal the role they expected me to.
I always thought my narrow minded family was holding me back in life. Now I know that I'm the one Golding them back.
I hope I have another dream tonight. Another peaceful calming dream. Maybe if I wish hard enough the dream will cone true and all traces if me will vanish from this world.
What a cruel heartless reality.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Unequal
My anxiety is through the roof right now. Something has to change.
Today my sister will get a longer work shift at the local Food Lion, bit it's still part time. I also over heard my step sister bragging about working in a tobacco field. She isn't qualified to do anything else, so I guess that's fine.
Even though both of them are "working" they are complaining that they are being asked to pay for bills. When I was working I paid for the water, Internet, and part of the electric bill. Then If there was anything left it was mine, and I usually used that on other bills or saved it to get out of this town. During that time my sister chipped in $60 over two years for the Internet fee, and she only did that because I begged. She also expects me to babysit any time of the day without getting paid for it.
My step sister still refuses to pay for anything. But because her dad is here, she gets to use all of the utilities whenever she wants. The spoiled brat (she's 23) always says "I'll just tell my daddy about it because he said I can do what I want." She treats my mom like a maid and even threatened to take away her car keys because her dumbass dad pays for the car (he sold my moms car, which she paid for, and kept the money).
Now that I'm out of work they still expect me to pay for all of that on my own. I haven't worked in a couple of months which is nothing compared to them not hAving jobs for a couple years.
Why is there always a separate standard for me. I'm just an average guy who cracked under pressure. It wasn't fair for them to expect me to shoulder my burdens and theirs. That's too much for one person. I'm not superman.
I thought I had found the resolve to look for work again but I don't know if I'm strong enough. I'm a useless coward.
Today my sister will get a longer work shift at the local Food Lion, bit it's still part time. I also over heard my step sister bragging about working in a tobacco field. She isn't qualified to do anything else, so I guess that's fine.
Even though both of them are "working" they are complaining that they are being asked to pay for bills. When I was working I paid for the water, Internet, and part of the electric bill. Then If there was anything left it was mine, and I usually used that on other bills or saved it to get out of this town. During that time my sister chipped in $60 over two years for the Internet fee, and she only did that because I begged. She also expects me to babysit any time of the day without getting paid for it.
My step sister still refuses to pay for anything. But because her dad is here, she gets to use all of the utilities whenever she wants. The spoiled brat (she's 23) always says "I'll just tell my daddy about it because he said I can do what I want." She treats my mom like a maid and even threatened to take away her car keys because her dumbass dad pays for the car (he sold my moms car, which she paid for, and kept the money).
Now that I'm out of work they still expect me to pay for all of that on my own. I haven't worked in a couple of months which is nothing compared to them not hAving jobs for a couple years.
Why is there always a separate standard for me. I'm just an average guy who cracked under pressure. It wasn't fair for them to expect me to shoulder my burdens and theirs. That's too much for one person. I'm not superman.
I thought I had found the resolve to look for work again but I don't know if I'm strong enough. I'm a useless coward.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Defenses
When I was in the 8th grade I went through a very bad depression that lasted until the 11th grade. Those years were pure hell. Money was very tight because my mom lost her job and I wasn't able to work yet. We had stopped getting birthday and Christmas gifts years ago because they cost too much. I'll never forget the first Christmas after my mom lost her job. She Cried in her room all morning.
Since there was a huge lack of money we never got new clothes. Clothes and good looks were the only things that mattered to my classmates. People used to take bets on which of my limited outfits I would wear to school. I told teachers about it, but as usual, they suggested that I ignore them. It's hard to ignore a class full of 30 high school students.
I also got free lunch at school. For some reason it was fine to get your lunches for free in middle school, but not high school. I did my best to make sure no one found out, but some heard me tell the lunch lady my lunch was free and they told everyone in the line. By the time I finished eating the whole cafeteria knew about it. I had finally found a group of about 5 people that would let me eat lunch at there table, but not after that day. People started coming up to me toss food at me and yelling free lunch.
To make matters even worse i became interested in computers. This seemed to enrage the popular kids. I quickly became the joke of the school. They were right though. A poor person trying to learn about computers when he couldn't afford to buy one.
I was also one of the few students at the school to have acne issues. No matter how much i washed the bumps never vanished. I guess i really am like acne then. I became the schools stress ball. Random people would shove or hit me in the head. The jocks and their girlfriends made sure I knew my place. Even the people I had known since kindergarten thought it was ok to do stuff to me. When I told the staff about the bullying they said they couldn't do anything unless they see it happen. Some knew it was happening, and had witnessed it, but told me to make more of an effort to fit in.
I couldn't take it anymore. I had a complete social meltdown. I got this big plain black jacket that covered all my shirt and most of my jeans and wore it every single day for about two years. It had a big hood which hid my face. I stopped talking and gave up on forced smiles and laughter. I snuck out of assemblies and skipped every school picture day. I didn't make a single attempt to interact with anyone. No one even seemed to notice my change, but because they couldn't find me they couldn't hurt me.
I didn't matter to anyone and they didn't matter to me. It was even worse at home. Not one family member asked why I was acting strangely. They thought it was funny. So, when I came home each day I went to my room and stayed there until night came. Then I'd sneak out and wander around town. I had become a living ghost. It was like being in another world.
I think that I'm reverting to this way of life again. It would be for the best.
Since there was a huge lack of money we never got new clothes. Clothes and good looks were the only things that mattered to my classmates. People used to take bets on which of my limited outfits I would wear to school. I told teachers about it, but as usual, they suggested that I ignore them. It's hard to ignore a class full of 30 high school students.
I also got free lunch at school. For some reason it was fine to get your lunches for free in middle school, but not high school. I did my best to make sure no one found out, but some heard me tell the lunch lady my lunch was free and they told everyone in the line. By the time I finished eating the whole cafeteria knew about it. I had finally found a group of about 5 people that would let me eat lunch at there table, but not after that day. People started coming up to me toss food at me and yelling free lunch.
To make matters even worse i became interested in computers. This seemed to enrage the popular kids. I quickly became the joke of the school. They were right though. A poor person trying to learn about computers when he couldn't afford to buy one.
I was also one of the few students at the school to have acne issues. No matter how much i washed the bumps never vanished. I guess i really am like acne then. I became the schools stress ball. Random people would shove or hit me in the head. The jocks and their girlfriends made sure I knew my place. Even the people I had known since kindergarten thought it was ok to do stuff to me. When I told the staff about the bullying they said they couldn't do anything unless they see it happen. Some knew it was happening, and had witnessed it, but told me to make more of an effort to fit in.
I couldn't take it anymore. I had a complete social meltdown. I got this big plain black jacket that covered all my shirt and most of my jeans and wore it every single day for about two years. It had a big hood which hid my face. I stopped talking and gave up on forced smiles and laughter. I snuck out of assemblies and skipped every school picture day. I didn't make a single attempt to interact with anyone. No one even seemed to notice my change, but because they couldn't find me they couldn't hurt me.
I didn't matter to anyone and they didn't matter to me. It was even worse at home. Not one family member asked why I was acting strangely. They thought it was funny. So, when I came home each day I went to my room and stayed there until night came. Then I'd sneak out and wander around town. I had become a living ghost. It was like being in another world.
I think that I'm reverting to this way of life again. It would be for the best.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Another morning
Damn I managed to wake up as the same worthless sob I went to bed as. Why won't this end? Is this all I have to live for?
I decided that it will be ok for me to die. I'm no longer afraid of what's on the other side. If it's heaven then my suffering will be over. If it's he'll then I really am a horrible person and will receive the punishment I deserve. If there is nothing but a great empty emotionless void then I'll be stuck in my current situation without the judging eyes of my family to make me feel bad.
I'm not suicidal though. I thought about how it will be and I want to go out as a hero. Maybe someday I'll get the chance to push someone out the path of a moving vehicle and get hit instead. Or save someone from drowning and lose my life. Exchanging this miserable existance so that someone who has a loving family and promising future can continue to live is my only path to freedom.
How many more mornings?
I decided that it will be ok for me to die. I'm no longer afraid of what's on the other side. If it's heaven then my suffering will be over. If it's he'll then I really am a horrible person and will receive the punishment I deserve. If there is nothing but a great empty emotionless void then I'll be stuck in my current situation without the judging eyes of my family to make me feel bad.
I'm not suicidal though. I thought about how it will be and I want to go out as a hero. Maybe someday I'll get the chance to push someone out the path of a moving vehicle and get hit instead. Or save someone from drowning and lose my life. Exchanging this miserable existance so that someone who has a loving family and promising future can continue to live is my only path to freedom.
How many more mornings?
Friday, November 4, 2011
im useless
My anxiety and depression is getting worse. Everyone around me is talking about how I failed. I wanted to do so much in life. I wanted to do my best to make my family happy. I had so many plans for us. I'm all alone. I cant do anything more for them. I shouldn't be allowed to exist this way. Is this what my life will be like from now on? For every day to be a struggle to face the people I love. I go to sleep each night hoping Ill just vanish before the sun rises. This kind of life is too much for me. Im a useless person and a waste of everyone's time. Ive ruined all their lives and brought the ultimate shame upon myself. I should be punished for it. Some one please punish me for it... maybe if I keep suffering this way I can at least atone for my failings.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
why?
Why did my life turn out this way? My classmates got to be happy. They got to grow up with nice things. They never had to worry about doing their homework before the sun went down since the power was off. They didnt have to worry about ACTUALLY freezing to death in the winter because they ran out of firewood. They never had to listen to their mom cry because she was worried how we would eat that month. They never had to worry about people noticing that they had worn an item of clothing for the second time that week because they didnt have anything else to wear. They never had to lie and say their plumbing was messed up when it was actually turned off.
Whats even worse is that I know there are people out there in worse situations than me. Im pathetic.
Whats even worse is that I know there are people out there in worse situations than me. Im pathetic.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Radio Email 1
I live in Roxboro, North Carolina. I have an average poor family. We had plenty of situations when we were out of food stamps, so we had bologna and treet meat (couldn't afford the spam) for the day and you couldn't get both if you got an extra loaf of bread. My mother didn't finish high school and my father (who had cancer and died of a brain injury) never finished elemtary school and couldnt read or write. My sisters and I were always told that our education will lead to great things. When I graduated high school my family didnt have the money to buy college applications let alone send me to a four year university. The best and cheapest choice was to do two years at a community college and transfer once I could afford to.
I qualified for the Pell grant and I was doing very well my first two years at the local community college and even got a job as a peer tutor mentor (I got a reward for it last year) which counted as class credit but I couldn't make more than $400 a month. Our town had a few new factories that were hiring, and a lot of small businesses had started at this time. It was all fine for a while, but one day the largest factory in the town shut down. It sent a huge ripple effect of downturn through this town.
A few weeks later another factory closed and a dozen more small business got shut down. The price of gas sky rocketed and the number of people you saw using a food stamps card (the one with the American flag as the cover) at the grocery store was going up. The economy had started to die and with it my way of life. My mom lost her job since there weren't people coming in to shop, my step dad had to change jobs to save money on the three dollar gas, my sister lost her job since people didn't have money to waste on photos, and the majority of the students I tutored we're unemployed factory workers who hadn't used a textbook in over 30 years. When I point out talked about it to my friends, who WERE republican, they said I was just whining because I was poor anyway. The very same people who told me that Bush should be elected again to follow up in Iraq and didnt vote for Obama because he was black (Im black and since this is the south the white people don't care about open racism that much =/ )
I was spending every paycheck on a bill and hardly making ends meet. I didn't have a lot of money left after each pay check so I had to resort to credit cards. I got one with a $500 limit, and even though I never spent over $475, I always had a half dozen hidden fees that seemed to take me about a dollar over the limit and cost $40 to repay. Then I got sick and went to the hospital TWICE for 5 or 6 hours. That pretty much bankrupted me. I was charged almost $11,000 for x-rays and tests.
What was left of the the local jobs that I was interested in dried up so I (and hundreds of other) college students we're told to go back to school and learn about new forms of technology, medical professions, and business. So I did. We all did.
Now we are being told that they are not only gutting Pell grant funds but they are making it even harder to receive the grant. The only option will be to get a bank loan which will be almost impossible to pay off.
So here I sit, 24 years old, living at home with my mom, stepdad, step sister (22), little sister (21) and her two kids, no job, no cash. My older sister got lucky and married a well off chemist/scientist for some company. Now that almost all of our bills are behind the only things ill have soon is my debt and a hell of a lot of credit hours that cant be put to use here. Wed have to sell all of our things just to move to another place.
A lot of the pople I know are in the same situation, and they are starting to come around and see what is happening and why. I think a lot of the college students around the country are as well. We worked so hard in k-12 then college to do what was best for ourselves and our families. Now everyone wants us to be smart, but not from a public education and only from a private college. They want us to have good careers as long as we aren't paid through the government or want a pension. We can be great patriotic soldiers in their military, as long as we don't get hurt and expect some sort of disability check. Don't forget we need to die really fast once we get a serious illness so we all don't have hospital bills like mine.
What the older generation fails to realize is that the young voters that got Obama elected, voted to get CHANGE elected. Im sure some people voted because he was black. Im sure some voted just because he was a democrat. But we all voted because we believed in his message. The young people of this country are no longer going to be tools for these politicians. No matter which side they are on.
WE WANT THE CHANGE AND OPPORTUNITY WE ALL WORKED FOR.
I qualified for the Pell grant and I was doing very well my first two years at the local community college and even got a job as a peer tutor mentor (I got a reward for it last year) which counted as class credit but I couldn't make more than $400 a month. Our town had a few new factories that were hiring, and a lot of small businesses had started at this time. It was all fine for a while, but one day the largest factory in the town shut down. It sent a huge ripple effect of downturn through this town.
A few weeks later another factory closed and a dozen more small business got shut down. The price of gas sky rocketed and the number of people you saw using a food stamps card (the one with the American flag as the cover) at the grocery store was going up. The economy had started to die and with it my way of life. My mom lost her job since there weren't people coming in to shop, my step dad had to change jobs to save money on the three dollar gas, my sister lost her job since people didn't have money to waste on photos, and the majority of the students I tutored we're unemployed factory workers who hadn't used a textbook in over 30 years. When I point out talked about it to my friends, who WERE republican, they said I was just whining because I was poor anyway. The very same people who told me that Bush should be elected again to follow up in Iraq and didnt vote for Obama because he was black (Im black and since this is the south the white people don't care about open racism that much =/ )
I was spending every paycheck on a bill and hardly making ends meet. I didn't have a lot of money left after each pay check so I had to resort to credit cards. I got one with a $500 limit, and even though I never spent over $475, I always had a half dozen hidden fees that seemed to take me about a dollar over the limit and cost $40 to repay. Then I got sick and went to the hospital TWICE for 5 or 6 hours. That pretty much bankrupted me. I was charged almost $11,000 for x-rays and tests.
What was left of the the local jobs that I was interested in dried up so I (and hundreds of other) college students we're told to go back to school and learn about new forms of technology, medical professions, and business. So I did. We all did.
Now we are being told that they are not only gutting Pell grant funds but they are making it even harder to receive the grant. The only option will be to get a bank loan which will be almost impossible to pay off.
So here I sit, 24 years old, living at home with my mom, stepdad, step sister (22), little sister (21) and her two kids, no job, no cash. My older sister got lucky and married a well off chemist/scientist for some company. Now that almost all of our bills are behind the only things ill have soon is my debt and a hell of a lot of credit hours that cant be put to use here. Wed have to sell all of our things just to move to another place.
A lot of the pople I know are in the same situation, and they are starting to come around and see what is happening and why. I think a lot of the college students around the country are as well. We worked so hard in k-12 then college to do what was best for ourselves and our families. Now everyone wants us to be smart, but not from a public education and only from a private college. They want us to have good careers as long as we aren't paid through the government or want a pension. We can be great patriotic soldiers in their military, as long as we don't get hurt and expect some sort of disability check. Don't forget we need to die really fast once we get a serious illness so we all don't have hospital bills like mine.
What the older generation fails to realize is that the young voters that got Obama elected, voted to get CHANGE elected. Im sure some people voted because he was black. Im sure some voted just because he was a democrat. But we all voted because we believed in his message. The young people of this country are no longer going to be tools for these politicians. No matter which side they are on.
WE WANT THE CHANGE AND OPPORTUNITY WE ALL WORKED FOR.
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