Defenses

When I was in the 8th grade I went through a very bad depression that lasted until the 11th grade. Those years were pure hell. Money was very tight because my mom lost her job and I wasn't able to work yet. We had stopped getting birthday and Christmas gifts years ago because they cost too much. I'll never forget the first Christmas after my mom lost her job. She Cried in her room all morning.

Since there was a huge lack of money we never got new clothes. Clothes and good looks were the only things that mattered to my classmates. People used to take bets on which of my limited outfits I would wear to school. I told teachers about it, but as usual, they suggested that I ignore them. It's hard to ignore a class full of 30 high school students.

I also got free lunch at school. For some reason it was fine to get your lunches for free in middle school, but not high school. I did my best to make sure no one found out, but some heard me tell the lunch lady my lunch was free and they told everyone in the line. By the time I finished eating the whole cafeteria knew about it. I had finally found a group of about 5 people that would let me eat lunch at there table, but not after that day. People started coming up to me toss food at me and yelling free lunch.

To make matters even worse i became interested in computers. This seemed to enrage the popular kids. I quickly became the joke of the school. They were right though. A poor person trying to learn about computers when he couldn't afford to buy one.

I was also one of the few students at the school to have acne issues. No matter how much i washed the bumps never vanished. I guess i really am like acne then. I became the schools stress ball. Random people would shove or hit me in the head. The jocks and their girlfriends made sure I knew my place. Even the people I had known since kindergarten thought it was ok to do stuff to me. When I told the staff about the bullying they said they couldn't do anything unless they see it happen. Some knew it was happening, and had witnessed it, but told me to make more of an effort to fit in.

I couldn't take it anymore. I had a complete social meltdown. I got this big plain black jacket that covered all my shirt and most of my jeans and wore it every single day for about two years. It had a big hood which hid my face. I stopped talking and gave up on forced smiles and laughter. I snuck out of assemblies and skipped every school picture day. I didn't make a single attempt to interact with anyone. No one even seemed to notice my change, but because they couldn't find me they couldn't hurt me.

I didn't matter to anyone and they didn't matter to me. It was even worse at home. Not one family member asked why I was acting strangely. They thought it was funny. So, when I came home each day I went to my room and stayed there until night came. Then I'd sneak out and wander around town. I had become a living ghost. It was like being in another world.

I think that I'm reverting to this way of life again. It would be for the best.