Damn I managed to wake up as the same worthless sob I went to bed as. Why won't this end? Is this all I have to live for?
I decided that it will be ok for me to die. I'm no longer afraid of what's on the other side. If it's heaven then my suffering will be over. If it's he'll then I really am a horrible person and will receive the punishment I deserve. If there is nothing but a great empty emotionless void then I'll be stuck in my current situation without the judging eyes of my family to make me feel bad.
I'm not suicidal though. I thought about how it will be and I want to go out as a hero. Maybe someday I'll get the chance to push someone out the path of a moving vehicle and get hit instead. Or save someone from drowning and lose my life. Exchanging this miserable existance so that someone who has a loving family and promising future can continue to live is my only path to freedom.
How many more mornings?
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